Hi guys! I know it's been a while since I've blogged. I got completely lost in classes and undergraduate activities last semester that it was incredibly difficult for me to keep up with this as much as I would have liked, so lemme fill ya in. As of January 1st (or the Sunday following), I started competition prep for the 2015 season with my new coach. My plan is to compete in multiple shows starting the end of May. I am so excited for this season I can hardly put it into words. Last year, I entertained the idea of competing, contacted a coach to discuss it, and before I knew it I was thrust into prep. I had no idea what to expect, and I definitely wasn't prepared for the road ahead of me. I think I was looking for an "easy" way out of college weight gain (freshman 15 amirite tho.) Let me just say this: COMPETING IN A SHOW IS NOT AN EASY WAY TO GET LEAN AND STAY LEAN AND IT'S V NOT GOOD FOR A COLLEGE SOCIAL LIFE IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE GOING OUT AND NOT DRINKING/EATING WITH FRIENDS. Do NOT compete if you just want to be lean. Do not compete if you have/still have eating disorder tendencies. Do not compete if you fear gaining fat in order to gain muscle. Compete if you love and can handle the grind. Compete if you are willing to put in work even when you are utterly exhausted. Compete if you love the tan and the makeup and the suits and the lights. Compete if you can handle "fluffy" you post-show. Compete if you have a coach that wants to see you do well whilst keeping you healthy throughout your prep. Anyways, I'm getting off track. Originally, I wanted to compete in an August and an October show during 2014. I ended up going straight into my offseason after the August show because I was so incredibly drained. I had been "dieting" on a strict plan - NOT flexible dieting - since January with very limited cheat meals. By peak week, my calories were at 1350 and I was doing an hour of steady state cardio per day. I rebounded so hard during the following months that I didn't know if I would ever gain control again... which brings me to my main point. I am not the type of person who can follow a strict and "clean" diet year round. Did I know that last year? Maybe not, but I love food, guys. Every single type of food. This is why flexible dieting (IIFYM) works for me. I wish I had known how to count macros when I entered my 2014 prep, and I wish my coach would have been more open to the idea of me counting them. I had been so restricted during my prep that once I ate something off plan, I could not stop. Not anymore. Everything in moderation, ya feel? I started working with my new and local coach in November. I loosely tracked macros for a while, but once I went home for the holidays, I was entirely intuitively eating. Guess what? Imaintained my weight over the holidays. I didn't stuff myself silly or spend hours doing cardio to burn off the cookies and pie and holiday ham. I ate whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it, and I stopped when I was satisfied. (Such a crazy thought, right?) Starting to track macros a few months after my show gave me my hunger cues back. My hormones were probably finally not all out of whack, which allowed me to eat as I normally would (estimating protein and fiber.) I got my food freedom back for the first time in years, and that's how I was able to maintain over the holidays. Now, tracking for prep is so stress-free for me. I used to get the worst anxiety trying to substitute things on my plan last year by following the macros. What if it's not exact? Am I screwing up my chances at this competition? (This would ultimately lead to me saying "f*ck it" and eating everything in my refrigerator.) Now I realize that it doesn't have to be perfect. It's okay to estimate. I will be fine. Tracking never makes me feel like I can't have anything. Don't get me wrong, you cannot fit ANYTHING you want into prep macros (not even close, that's what refeeds are for) but you can dabble in a variety of foods. If you can't fit a craving in one day, you can try the next. That's what makes it flexible. Obviously, I'm not eating cookies all day long. As a nutrition major, I fit delicious and nutrient dense (usually organic) foods into my macros daily, but if I want a damn cookie then I'll eat one. Flexible dieting reminds me that my eating disorder doesn't control me anymore. I think that we all have rough days where we don't like what we see in the mirror, but all of my triggers are gone. Restrictive and cardio-bunny thoughts are millions of miles away from me. I have never felt more in control of my body than I do now. I'm not this girl anymore. She was strict. She couldn't relax. She needed perfection. She needed chicken and broccoli and NO CARBS EVER SERIOUSLY. She was never as in control as she thought she was. So who am I now? I'm the girl who's proud of the muscles she's built from nothing. I'm motivated by friends who push me to be the best I can be, who encourage me to come out with them but do not judge me for skipping the alcohol because of my goals. I'm the one who has stopped allowing judgements to hold me back from doing what I need to do. I can recognize my capabilities, my strengths, and my weaknesses and use that information to push my body to it's limits and achieve what it's meant to. I am not limited by food or guilt or fear of fat gain. I'm the girl who has hit PRs that I never fathomed I would be able to hit. I've become someone who can finally keep ice cream in their fridge without the fear that I'll eat the entire container. I've become someone who can finally eat ice cream again. I am no longer held back by demons whispering in my ear that my waist needs to be thinner, my thigh gap a little bigger, "Can you pinch that fat on your stomach? That's because you eat too many cupcakes." I am no longer the dainty, helpless girl that needs help opening jars and a boy to validate that yes, I am beautiful. I am beautiful. I am strong. I am me, and I think I'm finally free.
0 Comments
|
Archives
August 2020
Categories |